Earlier today, reports came to light that former Escambia County Sheriff and recently-withdrawn candidate for Pensacola Mayor David Morgan spent $75,000 of public tax dollars erecting two statues, including a 6’4” life-size bronze statue of himself, before leaving office.
“The former Sheriff was adamant about maintaining a dominant, firm, and erect presence in the Sheriff’s Office. He was certain that when people would see that statue, they would feel overwhelmingly compelled to stand at attention and salute his likeness right back,” one unnamed employee explained.
The vertically impressive Sheriff was forged in bronze, after his initial request to have it forged out of the fires of Mordor was denied. Employees who worked on fabricating the perkily-produced project were initially sworn to secrecy using a legally binding, enforceable contract known as the “pinky swear.”
The statue is said to contain such high levels of testosterone, that anyone who has worked on it or handled it who is currently competing in professional sports or athletics was warned that they are now likely to fail any tests for “doping,” as per standard anabolic steroid testing guidelines.
“Due to the essence of David Morgan being captured inside the statue, anyone who has handled the statue is now at risk for having extremely high testosterone levels,” National Health Advisors have warned.
One of the sculptors of the statue, who has chosen to remain anonymous, was directed to emphasize the “masculine contours of the Sheriff’s chiseled jawbone” and to articulate Morgan’s “charismatic, white-boy swag.” The sculptors also considered integrating a technological component which included a button on the Sheriff’s lapel that would enable the bronze Morgan to break out into 3 different karaoke classics in his signature, pitch-perfect southern drawl when pressed. The karaoke collection even included a fan favorite, Frank Sinatra’s “My Way.” Due to budget cuts, however, the technology component was axed.
“The statue was a much better purchase than a salary for a School Resource Officer or two, or for any other necessities out of the general fund…I mean, who really needs those things?” one of Morgan’s former staffers stated, defending the purchase. “I actually think it’s quite fetching.”
Current Sheriff Chip Simmons reportedly took one look at the statue, which arrived last week at the Sheriff’s Office, uttered numerous expletives, and then walked directly out of the room in disbelief.
“You don’t make a statue of yourself,” Simmons said Wednesday. “And you don’t use tax dollars to do it.”
“Tell that to Arnold Schwarzeneggar, Austria’s most famous living son!” the staffer rebutted upon hearing Simmons’ comments. “Sheriff Morgan was actually inspired by Arnold, and originally stood in a very similar pose.” The staffer explained that since Morgan and Schwarzeneggar have essentially the same body type, in order to avoid confusion, Sheriff Morgan ended up changing his pose so that his statue would be unique and not appear to be an exact replica of Schwarzeneggar’s.
Other elected officials have decided to weigh in on the controversy.
Rep. Matt Gaetz did not agree with the sentiment that the Morgan statue was a good idea.
“In an era where statues are getting torn down left and right and our history is being destroyed, I certainly would love to see more statues becoming erected. I’m all for this! However, I’m extremely disappointed that taxpayer funds are being used to erect a statue of the former Sheriff. Northwest Florida voters should decide which of our elected officials gets a statue commissioned, and as you may have heard….many constituents have been calling for a ‘Golden Gaetz’ now for quite some time. I would much rather see a life-size ‘Golden Gaetz’ erected, and not this nonsense. This is truly what the people want!”
Gaetz went on to describe, in detail, his vision for a large golden statue of himself to be located in Okaloosa County, right in the center of Crab Island. The Gaetz statue would also serve as a “beer fountain” that could distribute alcoholic beverages to those who are currently unable to purchase them, thus assisting with some of the Representative’s philanthropic goals.
Garnering national attention, former President Trump also weighed in, offering Former Sheriff Morgan his encouragement and support.
“This statue is TREMENDOUS!” Former President Trump stated. “I just wish it was more YUGE. I am sending Sheriff Morgan a life-size, 6’10”, 180 lb. perfectly fit-and-healthy TRUMP Statue right now to let him know that he has my support!”
This article is completely fake news produced for satirical purposes only.