Crestview erupts in hellfire after council passes downtown alcohol amendment

In the wake of a 3-2 vote by the Crestview City Council to allow downtown businesses to serve alcohol outside during special events, the city has erupted in flames in what some local preachers and evangelicals are calling the “wrath of God’s fury.”

The Baptist preachers spoke out against the vote this week, warning Crestview mayor David Cadle that God would seek vengeance on Crestviewers that partake in the “nectar of the Devil.”

“This will bring debauchery, lust, orgies, carousing, and detestable idolatry into our streets,” said Pastor Lester McClary, of Crestview Primitive Baptist Church as he stopped to speak to this reporter while riding horseback down Main Street in a white-robed costume Tuesday evening. “This ordinance will corrupt society and will corrupt downtown Crestview.”

By sundown, the flames had engulfed several downtown bistros, cafes, and coffee shops that began serving wine coolers and $10 buckets of Bud Light Lime to pedestrians earlier in the day.

This was the scene in downtown Crestvew early Tuesday that local preachers warned of. (City of Crestview/Special to The Pulse)

“I was stopping by to grab a slice of pizza and a Smirnoff Ice at Hideaway Pizza when all of a sudden I saw these old white men coming down Main Street with pitchforks yelling in tongues,” said local resident Kristal Simmons. “They said this was God’s will but I was just following his word.”

Simmons went on to quote a passage from the Bible: “Drink thy wine with a merry heart.”


The preceding has been completely fake news produced for satirical purposes only.